Scene Queen.Hate me if it feels good.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

deliverance service was yesterday.
it was truly an eye-opener.
people with deep dark secrets,
going about their daily life as usual.

my cell group leader was praying for me.
and she told me something
that made red alarms go off
in my head .and my inner voice said
: so THAT's why...!!

she said this:
you have built a wall around your heart
to guard it.
which is good, because you won't feel
the bad things, but bad
because you can't feel the good too.
maybe in the past something negative happened to
make you shut yourself away?

and just that short statement
explained my whole life.

so THAT'S why when people
are crying i'm not.
so THAT'S when people
are laughing i'm forcing myself to
do so too.
and THAT'S why sometimes i
feel so numb.

so in short,
that's why i have been so cold
and emotionless all my life.
in case you are getting the idea
that's i'm a walking chunk of flesh, no.
i love people, i hate people,
i get jealous too,i get hurt too.
but its just that i can't feel
the feelings that other people
channel towards me.
so: i don't know if you hate me,
i don't know if you are disappointed in me,
and i am CLUELESS when you love me.

its just that i have been shutting
myself out.
its like i've eaten an overdose
of morphine ( a painkiller)
and now its swimming through
my veins, through my heart.
and it'll be hard to get rid of it.
in short, i'm absolutely
numb about how people
feel towards me.

h.h told me
that people do not have different 'faces'.
all those faces belong to the same person,
but its just how they react in different
situations.
but i feel that i really do have two sides to me.
side 1: The side that you see.
side 2: The real me.
who feels it when people hate,love me.
but i think sometime in the past
i have buried my old self.
so side 2 is almost extinct and i'm
desperately trying to get it back.
but its not gonna be easy.
its just like sitting on the side
of a boat,dipping your hand
into the icy water and trying to fish
out a single earring that you dropped in.

but i'll try.
i promise.

because i want people
to love me for me,
for who i really am.

if there was a theme song to my life,
it'll be Iris, by the Googoo dolls.

look:
and i don't want the world to see me,
cos i don't think that they'll understand.
when everythings meant to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am.

i hope.
to get out of my numb existence
and really FEEL.
i want to feel human again.
Clara.

5:58 PM