last night i cried myself to sleep. don't ask why i cried, because i don't exactly know WHY i cried. anyway, its not normal for me to cry. because i loathe crying. lets just say i cried for a million reasons. and all of them circulated around disappointment. life is a bed of flowers. disappointment can be represented by the ugly yet strong weeds. if you do not pull them out while they're still young, they grow. tall, stronger, and their roots go deeper in. you do not notice them at first, because they are covered by the flowers. in other words, you're too busy with your life. but then suddenly you notice them, but when you try to pluck them out, its nearly impossible. so you just cut them off. but their roots are still there. and soon, they will shoot up again. disappointment is unstoppable. i cried so hard last night, i felt the floor below me swaying. so many people have let me down in life, even my family members. but i, being an expert at hiding my feelings, just mask up how i feel. but when you put too many things in a bag, it bursts. i haven't cried for 6 months, half a year. and that must be a record for a girl or something. so i guess last night i just couldn't stand it. i actually just started tearing, because of an issue. but while i was trying in vain to stop my tears, all the other things of the past just came up and i couldn't stop. honestly. i guess sometimes i am really hard on myself. whenever i feel like crying, i berate myself. i attack myself for being a wimp, and i force myself to hold it in.
this morning i wen for cell group. guess what? Wen hui preached about disappointment. i started crying again. now, i NEVER cry in front of people, because i don't like people to see the weaker side of me. the human side of me.
i have to admit, last night i actually entertained thoughts of.well.death. don't start calling me suicidal. its just that people are born to be unsatisfied with life. i wasn't contemplating death, just thinking about it.
so PLEASE don't tell me that life is worth living, yadda yadda. even if its out of concern, its annoying. i AM going to live on, without a doubt. its just that at times when you are feeling down, you start to feel weary of life. kind of sad that i'm feeling tired of it at such a young age.
one great source of disappointment came from my parents. i saved up to buy something i REALLY want. that thing costs quite a lot, $500++? so imagine how happy i was when i finally had enough. i was floating on cloud nine!! then i told them about my plans. and guess what? they said NO. they said that it is a waste of money, and whatnot. but DON'T THEY SEE? that's why i saved up for it MYSELF, and did not ask them to pay for it. i can't even reward MYSELF? then how come other people can save up to buy WHATEVER they want and i can't? so that really hurt me. but knowing me, i ALWAYS channel all my sadness into anger and sarcasm. but this time, i just couldn't. it was so awkward for me, because i have never walked around feeling so sad and having such a great burden on my shoulders. no. i usually just throw it off. the question is WHY!WHY!WHY? don't you think they are being a tad bit unreasonable??
i'm still feeling veryvery sad now. i'm not gonna do any hw. its time for bed.
P.S: I'm looking for Panic! At The Disco's CD, A fever you can't sweat out. i went to hougang mall today, but my search returned no results. i think i sound like a search engine. the problem is, that CD debuted in 2005. but they SHOULD have it. right?
