Sunday, July 30, 2006

deliverance service was yesterday.
it was truly an eye-opener.
people with deep dark secrets,
going about their daily life as usual.


my cell group leader was praying for me.
and she told me something
that made red alarms go off
in my head .and my inner voice said
: so THAT's why...!!



she said this:
you have built a wall around your heart
to guard it.
which is good, because you won't feel
the bad things, but bad
because you can't feel the good too.
maybe in the past something negative happened to
make you shut yourself away?


and just that short statement
explained my whole life.


so THAT'S why when people
are crying i'm not.
so THAT'S when people
are laughing i'm forcing myself to
do so too.
and THAT'S why sometimes i
feel so numb.



so in short,
that's why i have been so cold
and emotionless all my life.
in case you are getting the idea
that's i'm a walking chunk of flesh, no.
i love people, i hate people,
i get jealous too,i get hurt too.
but its just that i can't feel
the feelings that other people
channel towards me.
so: i don't know if you hate me,
i don't know if you are disappointed in me,
and i am CLUELESS when you love me.


its just that i have been shutting
myself out.
its like i've eaten an overdose
of morphine ( a painkiller)
and now its swimming through
my veins, through my heart.
and it'll be hard to get rid of it.
in short, i'm absolutely
numb about how people
feel towards me.


h.h told me
that people do not have different 'faces'.
all those faces belong to the same person,
but its just how they react in different
situations.
but i feel that i really do have two sides to me.
side 1: The side that you see.
side 2: The real me.
who feels it when people hate,love me.
but i think sometime in the past
i have buried my old self.
so side 2 is almost extinct and i'm
desperately trying to get it back.
but its not gonna be easy.
its just like sitting on the side
of a boat,dipping your hand
into the icy water and trying to fish
out a single earring that you dropped in.


but i'll try.
i promise.


because i want people
to love me for me,
for who i really am.


if there was a theme song to my life,
it'll be Iris, by the Googoo dolls.

look:
and i don't want the world to see me,
cos i don't think that they'll understand.
when everythings meant to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am.




i hope.
to get out of my numb existence
and really FEEL.
i want to feel human again.
Clara.

5:58 PM

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Douse the lights!
The stage is set.
Gather around;
old or young, poor or rich.
come indulge in the guilty pleasure
of the sin that's waiting to happen.
Draw the curtains!
Hold your breath!
She didn't choose this role,
but she'll play it and make it sincere so..
The string of pearls snap.
Tumbling out, one after the other.
And in the silence which existed,
hear them roll across the floor.
Let the show begin!
Watch as the tables are wittingly turned
on the unsuspecting victim.
Behold!
It is the culprit in its biggest form
of deception.
Camouflaged by the
pearls,
toying with the audience's emotions.
Playing them like a puppet,
they are helpless,hypnotised.
What a sensational show!
What characters!
What fools.

7:31 PM

Saturday, July 22, 2006

i wish.
i had the upper hand in this.
but no, its all yours.
i've made a mistake and now i can't turn back,
its like i'm stuck in this vicious cycle,
a pathetic excuse for a life.
now i know how drug addicts feel.
you want to get rid of this problem
that is dominating your life.
and when you think that you've finally shaken it off,
it comes back again.threefold.



whywhywhy?
i have asked myself this many times.
but now the question is not why.
its How?
i've spent my whole life searching.
and now that i've finally found what
i want, its taken.
i wish that i could graciously say
i'll let her have him.
but no, i don't work that way.
i have to admit that i'm filled with bitterness,
growing inside of me everyday.
why do we always want what we can't have?
and yet we persist.
persistance or plain stupidity?
you decide.


i want to run away from this burden,
but i know i can't.
i've tried reversing it.
doesn't work too.
i hate feeling so vulnerable,
i DESPISE having my happiness
depend on a person.
and i refuse to break down again.
no one really understands,
except God.
and no, i'm not going through
that retarded stage in life where
you just keep whining
"NO ONE understands meeee.."
no.
but this time, rest assured, NO one really understands.


Song playing:
We belong together.
Gavin Degraw.
this song just grows on you.

12:44 PM

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

ohoh.
this post was supposed to be
written in my diary, but you know
how writing takes forever?yea.
so i'll blog.
gosh.my nails are so long that
i can't type properly.
manicure!!!
i want i want.


anyways this will be a random post.
yea.
today was racial harmony day for my school.
i only remembered yesterday so
i was turning the whole house upside down
looking for something ethnic but..
you know how the story goes.



i wrote this nice short story,
i'll put it up and OH.
my previous story.
eh hehheh.
i was never much good at keeping promises.


i think that feet with high insteps are
simply beautiful.
instep--
you know, the part of your feet that curves up?
yea. i like the ones that are high.
they look so classy.
and they'll look fabulous in high heels.



today!..
i had school,
then chem, prac.
i surprised myself
by breaking the very boundaries of
stupidity today.
i was mixing chemicals together
when i saw smoke rising up.
so i went:
Hmm..wonder if its hot?
then i touched the side of the test tube.
nope.not hot.
then i went really close..
i wanted to sniff it.
and i did.
a long,long, loong drag.
i nearly doubled over from the stench.
PURE, CONCENTRATED CHLORINE.
it was probably 100mol/dm cube.
you get the idea.
i felt like puking.
then i sat on the bench for a couple
of seconds, wondering whether i might die or something.



oh, and during tuition
(which i just returned from)
i suddenly started sneezing
and suddenly! had a flu.
must be the aftermath of chlorine-sniffing.


today,
florence asked me why i did not
clap for HIM.
and i replied:
Because i like him a lot,
but hate the association even more.


then after i said that
my brain went into overdrive,
taking me on the whole
roller coaster ride of emotions.
the result was a veryvery weary,confused
and hollow-feeling me.
whenever i'm feeling really down,
i tell people i'm not feeling well,
so that they will not ask me why
i'm so sad and i will not have to answer
that awkward question.
my brain certainly works in
complex ways the simple human mind
cannot comprehend.haha.


but whywhywhy?!
must you always resurface from
a corner of my mind
when i'm pathetically trying
to forget you?
maybe even to hate you?
but then again,
love is an absence of hate,
and hate is merely an absense of love.
so, in a twisted sort of way,
love and hate are relatives.
but still,
i'm trying my best to hate you.
because i know that
this whole..fiasco, if you will,
will only serve to bring
nothing but pain into my life.
and i shut out painful things from my life.


if you had a choice:
Being with someone you're
contented with or someone you're happy with,
which would you choose?
i would choose happiness.
even though the one i'm contented with
will give me security and everlasting..well..
contentment,
i'll choose the one who makes me happy,
even if its just for a few days.



and that marks the end of a very confusing post.
sometimes i think that my blog
is a rubbish dump.
i unload all my random stuff here.


peace,
Clara.

10:38 PM

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Stars make women rich.
They're the diamonds that you can't afford.
That thought occurred to me while
glancing out of the window.


Diamonds may be for forever,
but the stars are for eternity.


don't you just love being rich
from the simple, free pleasures of
this world?
for the best things in life are free.
Love,Kindness,Patience,Nature, Beauty.
and above all,
you don't have to pay to receive
eternal life.
One God, One way.


today was...
full of ups and downs.
i understand(or at least, i'm trying to)
you might have taken my leaving
as an insult of your leadership.
but i never thought you were a bad leader.
that is, till today.


look around you.
do you see some super nice people
who seem to be friends with
everybody and have the bestest
life ever?
i'm highly suspicious of these people.
for i'm sure there's a mean side to them.
sort of like the one you
exhibited today.
you're the BAD minority,
but yet people always
emphasize on the bad.
and the good majority?
well, you pull them down too,moron.

10:26 PM

Friday, July 14, 2006

English prelim oral today!
It was relatively fine..except that i made myself sound
like the greatest slut that ever lived on this planet.


arrgh...
we'll get to that part later.
after sitting for many orals,
i conclude that they LOVE to use reading passages with
indian names in them.
i was thinking.why?
is it supposed to be like a tongue twister?
or is supposed to stumble us and
then the examiner can deduct points?
weird.purpose unknown.


so anyway..
conversation part 2:
Would you want to be a career woman
or a family woman?
i said career..
then i went on to explain why.
but suddenly i remembered
that my english teacher advices us to
not be bias, to have a balanced opinion.
i panicked and was thinking
about how to say something about true
love coming along without sounding
too sappy..and then IT came out.
like word vomit.
i said: But i'll see if a family comes along the way.
YOU KNOW??
like if i get pregnant accidentally!
plus i said FAMILY not A kid.
oh my.
i stared at the examiner, horror-stricken.
he just started laughing.
and after that my mind just went blank.
but still i think i fared pretty well
because he kept saying well done.
sheesh.
i think i'l have to duck
when i see him in school.


A very humiliated Clara.

7:43 PM

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

wellwell.
learning journeys for the pri 4s in temasek pri
was today and our group,
futuristique,
led a group of 10 boys!
dearest hong hui stayed up one whole night
to make the most interactive and
interesting w/s ever!!
thanks a bunch!


so, after months of planning,
the day was finally here!
we even made a website for it..
learning-journeys.blogspot.com


nice right?
anyways, today we rode
on a comfy blue bus to the Asian Civilisations Museum.
wonderful place.
so we were assigned a group of 10
boys.
katherine and h.h took six boys.
m.y, flo and i took 4 boys.
o boy.
there was a MONSTER in the group.
clement.
what vulgarities he uttered!
what threats he dished out!!
i was shocked beyond words.
the only thing we could come
to terms on was maple story,
which he is insane about.
the other 3 boys..hmm..
there one plump guy, not very
naughty, but he has a voice like THUNDER.
we have to keep reminding them to be silent.
keith is his name.
then there are two other guys,
chinese names,
one is tan something something
and another is han something something.
the han is rather playful,
but is actually rather polite
if you speak to him nicely.
tan is veryvery cute.
he loves arguing with people,
but he really gets down to business
and strikes me as a rather intelligent boy.
i tried to have an intellectual
argument with tan and han.
and yay! i won.
tan was looking at my phone
and asking me if i had jj lin songs.
i don't listen to chinese songs, unfortunately.


its really hard to deal with these kids.
imagine:
3 16 yr-olds having trouble
controling 4 10 yr-olds.
kids nowadays are too exposed
to the world around them.
m.y and i were shocked
to hear them talk about
sex,virgins and sperms.
we were also highly amused
to hear them talk
about Zakum,
some maple creature?
i don't know.
we gave them chocolates
as a reward for completing their tasks.



its not easy to handle kids.
you have to be their friend,
and control your anger when
they do the stupidest things ever.
like touch the artefacts.
you won't go far if you shout and argue with them.
they just yell back even harder.
it takes a lot of patience,
but we just have to remember
that they are just being normal children.
we have to be kind and forgive them.
most importantly,
we must not take advantage of our
age to threaten them with violence
and to be unreasonable.



there.
really, no kids for me please.


many tests coming up.
i've got to study hard.


h.h is horrible.
she keeps sabo-ing me
in front of our lecherous physics teacher.
i was playing with a red light
and when the teacher asked
why i was doing so, she said:
"SHE WANTS TO SEE YOU CLOSER!!"
i was like ??huh??.
and the teacher gave this
crooked grin and said:
"You want to play, after school i can play like you.
But now its time for lessons."
then OMG!
h.h said:
"play like you or play with you?"
i wanted to bury a hole and jump in it.


..haha.


today during p.e
m.y and i went to meet
or form teacher for target setting.
had a nice long chat with her.
wow.m.y is interested in maths!!
smart chioce of subject,
it is always useful to learn
maths because it is the only
subject that's the same throughtout the world.


anyways, gtg now.
i got my panic! at the disco cd..
they rock! (pun intended.)


clara.

6:31 PM

Sunday, July 09, 2006

last night i cried myself to sleep.
don't ask why i cried,
because i don't exactly know WHY i cried.
anyway, its not normal for me to cry.
because i loathe crying.
lets just say i cried for a million reasons.
and all of them circulated around
disappointment.
life is a bed of flowers.
disappointment can be represented by the
ugly yet strong weeds.
if you do not pull them out while
they're still young,
they grow.
tall, stronger, and their roots go deeper in.
you do not notice them at first,
because they are covered by the flowers.
in other words, you're too busy with your life.
but then suddenly you notice them,
but when you try to pluck them out,
its nearly impossible.
so you just cut them off.
but their roots are still there.
and soon, they will shoot up again.
disappointment is unstoppable.
i cried so hard last night,
i felt the floor below me swaying.
so many people have let me down
in life, even my family members.
but i, being an expert at hiding my feelings,
just mask up how i feel.
but when you put too many things in a bag, it bursts.
i haven't cried for 6 months, half a year.
and that must be a record for a girl or something.
so i guess last night i just couldn't stand it.
i actually just started tearing,
because of an issue.
but while i was trying in vain to stop my tears,
all the other things of the past just came up and i couldn't stop.
honestly.
i guess sometimes i am really hard on myself.
whenever i feel like crying, i berate myself.
i attack myself for being a wimp,
and i force myself to hold it in.


this morning i wen for cell group.
guess what?
Wen hui preached about disappointment.
i started crying again.
now, i NEVER cry in front of people,
because i don't like people to see the weaker side of me.
the human side of me.


i have to admit,
last night i actually entertained thoughts
of.well.death.
don't start calling me suicidal.
its just that people are born
to be unsatisfied with life.
i wasn't contemplating death,
just thinking about it.


so PLEASE don't tell me that life is worth living, yadda yadda.
even if its out of concern,
its annoying.
i AM going to live on, without a doubt.
its just that at times when
you are feeling down,
you start to feel weary of life.
kind of sad that i'm feeling tired of
it at such a young age.



one great source of disappointment
came from my parents.
i saved up to buy something i REALLY want.
that thing costs quite a lot, $500++?
so imagine how happy i was when i
finally had enough.
i was floating on cloud nine!!
then i told them about my plans.
and guess what?
they said NO.
they said that it is a waste of money, and whatnot.
but DON'T THEY SEE?
that's why i saved up for it MYSELF,
and did not ask them to pay for it.
i can't even reward MYSELF?
then how come other people
can save up to buy WHATEVER
they want and i can't?
so that really hurt me.
but knowing me,
i ALWAYS channel all my sadness
into anger and sarcasm.
but this time, i just couldn't.
it was so awkward for me,
because i have never walked around
feeling so sad and having such a great burden
on my shoulders.
no. i usually just throw it off.
the question is WHY!WHY!WHY?
don't you think they are being a tad bit unreasonable??



i'm still feeling veryvery sad now.
i'm not gonna do any hw.
its time for bed.


P.S:
I'm looking for Panic! At The Disco's
CD, A fever you can't sweat out.
i went to hougang mall today,
but my search returned no results.
i think i sound like a search engine.
the problem is, that CD debuted in 2005.
but they SHOULD have it.
right?


i'm the new cancer.

10:17 PM

Friday, July 07, 2006

Anthony Costa
Do you ever think of me lyrics


Do you ever wonder
What sky I'm lying under
Do you ever think of me
Does your heart remember
How we used to feel
When it used to think of me


All I need to know
When you're on your own
Do you miss what might have been


World don't stop turning
Stars don't stop falling down
In my world of make believe
Do you ever think of me
We got different stories
And all our never endings now
Even thought your heart is free
Still my heart wont let me be
Do you ever think of me


So we're on different shores
Do we just drift away
Do the memories fall
Like a driving rain
All I need to know
When you're on your own
Do you miss what might have been


World don't stop turning
Stars don't stop falling down
In my world of make believe
Do you ever think of me
We got different stories
And all our never endings now
Even thought your heart is free
Still my heart wont let me be
Do you ever think of me
Do you ever think of me
Do you ever think of me?


you stole my heart before i could say no.

3:48 PM

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

busybusy!!
anyways to sum chocolate day up
=> Holding a donation tin can
is like having leprosy.people just flee.
i dropped by ps the next day for the event there
with hh and my.
we missed the performances.lol.
in the end we had lunch and went back.



Why do people always want
to go for the better stuff?
why do we always want what we can't have?
Why is there such a saying:
The forbidden fruit is the sweetest.
how true.
its human nature to not settle for
what we can get easily,
be it gadgets,cars, even partners.
so the question is..why?
i think i have the answers.yes.2.
1)Because humans love challenges.
we like to put ourselves to the test to
see how far we can go.we are not easily contented
with lousy things, we want to get nothing
but the BEST.
i'm like that.veryvery patient.
2)Because humans are naturally
conceited creatures.
we are proud of ourselves.
we tend to think that we are
much better than what we actually are.
everyone is that way,
but it just depends how conceited you are.
and thus, viewing ourselves as
high and mighty beings, we naturally
expect the best for ourselves.
there.
i gtg now..cya all.


simply out of reach.

8:15 PM

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Right.Chocolate day was today!!
i'll blog about it another time.
i've loads to say.
I'm sure no one will mind an entire post
dedicated to Korean beauties right?
good.without further ado,
i present to you....




Park Shin Hye. (pictured above.)
She's my age!! omg.
she acted in the acclaimed
korean serial drama Stairway to Heaven.
How does she do it huh?
juggle her studies and career.
anyways she has loads of potential.
WATCH OUT KOREA!!
oops. got carried away.
someone should start a
well-deserved fan page for her.
because i took 1/2 hour to find
a recent photo of her.
nice? very recent one. woohoo. =)





Jeon Ji-Hyun.(pictured above)
She is more of a film than serial drama girl next door.
i love how viewers are able to
watch and understand a show better
when she's the lead actress.
you are just able to put yourself into her shoes.
oh, and did i mention that she exudes
a womanly aura around her?
coolness.
i love her raven locks.
she has some devoted fans too.
one actually said that he would
not die until he saw her. o.O






















Son Ye Jin.(pictured above)
wow. This is one versatile lady.
she can be forlorn, seductive,cheeky,innocent.
she is like the nicole kidman of korea.
or the julia roberts.
whatever.she is so talented.
and her eyes!!
maybe one day when she smiles too much,
the whole sky will come crashing down. o.o
she has such shiny dancing moon eyes
that will enchant everybody
within a 5 metre radius.



Kim Tae Hee.
my personal favourite =)
Burst onto the scene just a couple of years ago.
really big in h.k and japan too.
apparrantly a japan singer hitomi something
was shocked by her beauty when they met.
i imagine that angels look like her.
bright eyes, sharp perfect noses, and a lilting smile.
i really laughed when i saw her teenage photo.
her eyes, nose and mouth were the same.
however, she had reeeally short hair.
you've GOT to see this video.
i am speechless.for once.
oh and doesn't that phone look familiar?
haha.go read one of my previous posts.ty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_C6rqwUqGs&search=kim%20tae%20hee%20chocolate%20lg
also visit
http://www.youtube.com/results?search=kim+tae+hee+chocolate+lg&search_type=search_videos
everyone's singing her praises.



right...these are the big stars of korea,
in case you didn't know.
take care and have a pleasant day ahead.

11:26 PM

The Writer
[name :: ???]
[age :: 16]
[b'day :: ???]
View my profile!
Dishing out a slice of my life,
with the occassional reality check.
And ouch, those can hurt.
I speak my mind.
So shoot me.






That tune...
Evanescence
Solitude